Stream-of-Conscious Review: Justice League of America #0

Cover: I know the angle of this image of DC’s “Trinity” looking down at us is to convey the fact that they’re actually all leaning over a pile of photographs of superheroes to begin the selection process for the brand new JLA—I’m sorry, Justice League of America--but you know what it looks like to me? You know how in movies when someone gets knocked out, the screen goes all black as they lose consciousness, and the next scene, in which they wake back up, has other characters who were present when they were knocked out leaning over them? It’s like that. Seriously. Lay on the floor and hold your copy of JLoA upside down over you. I can practically hear Wonder Woman saying, “Are you alright, Caleb? That was a nasty hit you took”, and myself responding, “Oh man, what hit me? The last thing I remember was reaching for one of J’onn’s cookies…” Page 1: Let’s see, first panel of the first page of the first issue of writer Brad Meltzer’s new JLoA series, and what do we got? A first-person narration box color-coded to match the costume of the speaker. No surprises there. And what’s Superman saying? “It didn’t take super-hearing to catch the anxiousness in his voice.” Or the anxiety, I bet. Page 2: So, Batman decides to join the Justice League because sometimes the threats are so big, they require more than “just a utility belt and a solid right hook.” I think I preferred the rationale John Ostrander gave in JLA: Incarnations #2 better; that Batman joined the League because he didn’t really have any peers or friends, and that was the one group where he could actually find both. But I guess that series isn’t even continuity anymore, given that it was Pre-(Infinite)Crisis. Page 3: Nice depiction of Batman and the way he deals with fear, but jeez, he’s that freaked out about the idea of the JLA? He’s sweating like a pig. Not that pigs sweat.Page 4: Again, nice little character detail in the narration. And here comes Wonder Woman. I don’t really like her presence this far back in League history, as it sort of diminishes her and just plain screws up too many good stories (Matt Wagner’s Trinity springs to mind at the moment), but I’ll give Meltzer a few more pages to sell it. Page 5: Yeesh, who’s art is this? It looks totally old school. Oh, Dick Giordano’s. He is totally old school, so I guess that’s fine. “The three of us…back then, we met regularly on our own,” Batman says. “Hal and Barry did the same. As did Arthur and J’onn. We all wanted the same thing. Just to keep track of how things were going.” That’s cool. I like how Meltzer acknowledges the rest of the League’s leadership, even if he’s focusing on the popular ones. If the Trinity are the jocks, J’onn and Aquaman’s clique must constitute the band geeks. Still, I think I would have preferred an issue like this focusing on their meetings instead of the Trinity’s. They’re arguing about the Red Tornado sacrificing his life, back when his costume didn’t hurt my eyes. Batman’s really bent out of shape. Guess he doesn’t realize just how often Reddy will come back to life and be destroyed in the years to come, huh? Page 6: Hmm, this page is set “Tomorrow,” whereas all the previous ones were set “Yesterday.” I guess this wedding of Hal Jordan’s is something that’s yet to happen, huh? I don’t think Green Lanterns should be allowed to marry. One ring on a man if fine. But two? That’s pushing it. A nice scene showing the Trinity as schoolgirls. Meltzer does nice character work. And is there a better artist than Tony Harris? Page 7: Oh, yeah. George Perez. He gets to draw—well, re-draw—the wedding of Donna “Wonder Girl” Troy to That Guy With The Beard Who Isn’t A Super Hero, the lamest point in Donna Troy/Titan history. Now, what’s up with Dick Grayson’s tux? Look at all those ruffles? I know in real time this wedding was forever ago, but in the DCU, it should only be a couple of years ago, and if Dick was wearing that many ruffles in the late ‘90s, well, he might as well have just worn his old Robin costume to the wedding. Ew. Page 8: Oh my God, what is Lex Luthor on? Page 9: The Trinity has an argument that DC editorial probably should have had at the time: Whether or not the Detroit League is a good idea. Batman says no, predicting that “someone’s about to get hurt.” I don’t really like how this implies that J’onn and Aquaman are screw-ups that can’t lead a League, and if Bats were in charge Steel and Vibe would still be alive. Page 10: Tomorrow again…and holy crap, Pa Kent is dead?! This comes as a real shock, considering the fact that he and Ma seem to have been so drastically de-aged in the DCU of late, losing weight and regaining their natural hair colors again. Hmmm, hopefully this is way in the future, as I’ve always sort of like the fact that Superman’s parents are still around. Think about it—how many adult superheroes even have both of their parents alive, let alone as supporting cast members they actually get along with? Ad On The Facing Page: I think this ad for Dungeons & Dragons is the most depressing thing in the whole world. You’ve probably seen it. There’s a picture of a bored, sad looking guy using a computer in a dark, dark basement, lit only by the moonlight coming in through the window behind him and the sickly glow of his monitor. Above his head float the words “If You’re Going To Sit In Your Basement Pretending To Be An Elf,” and, then below that in smaller font, “You Should At Least Have Some Friends Over To Help.” Oh God, that’s heartbreaking on so many levels. First, that role-playing on the computer exists at all, if it really has the soul-crushing effect it seems to have on this poor fellow in the ad. Second, that playing Dungeons & Dragons is being used as the more socially healthy alternative to it. And, mostly, that D&D’s makers and marketers realize that their product is for social misfits and play that fact up in the ad, essentially saying “Hey, we know only an awkward, unhappy loser would sit in their basement pretending to be an elf, but if you’re going to do it, you might as well do it with a few other awkward, unhappy losers, you know?” Oh, and it’s also depressing that this ad is in a comic book I’m reading, meaning I’m part of the target demographic that D&D thinks needs to hear this message the most. (Confession: I did role-play in junior high and high school. But only on paper, with dice and with friends, never on the computer. And I was always a half-elf) Page 11: Rags Morales does a very nice Jim Apro-esque Batman. Page 12: Superman and Batman argue over who will be Wondy’s maid of honor. Okay, not really, but they seem to be discussing her upcoming nuptials. This is set “Tomorrow,” of course, and on Paradise Island, which raises all sorts of interesting questions, if Meltzer actually plans on covering this during his run and isn’t just throwing out random possible future events. I always thought she should marry Aquaman—what? I’m not projecting, I just thought I saw a spark during Superfriends, you know?—but it doesn’t sound like it. So who’s the dude? When’s Paradise Island get back from wherever it went? Who’s Batman’s love that Wondy reference here? Why does she have to give up immortality to be with the man she loves? Is she an elf all of a sudden? Wait, since when is she immortal, anyway? Ethan Van Sciver draws this page; I love the way he’s turned Batman’s cape into bat-wings. Page 13: Woo hoo! Kevin Maguire pencils! I wish he’d do more Justice League work; I really think he deserves a chance to play with the A-List League after all his hard work making the C-List JLI iteration top-notch (same goes for Giffen and DeMatteis on the writing end). Page 14: “Tomorrow” you’ll believe that a man can…cry? Looks like Wonder Woman and Batman both stood him up. He says something about a funeral, and he’s crying. Wonder why Adam Kubert drew the Hulk’s head in their trophy room? And why the chairs don’t have little symbols on the back? That’s the coolest thing about the JLA—their chairs! I hope this is just Kubert’s oversight, and not an indication that in the new series the chairs won’t have individual icons on the back. Page 16: Jim Lee draws the Trinity, the JLA and the JSA (nice to see his rendering of so many Golden Agers in their classic duds, though Lee just might draw the worst Martian Manhunter ever) and two Earths?!?!! Page 17: Flashback to the post-“Tower of Babel” fall out between Bats and the rest of the Big Seven. Probably Mark Waid’s best story of his short run (not counting Heaven’s Ladder) and one of the best non-Morrison League stories. It’s nice to see Howard Porter League art here, but this isn’t in the awesome style of his upcoming Shazam book, sadly. Page 18: Foul! Yellow flag! You can’t write stuff in Dark Knight Returns continuity, Meltzer! The DKU (Dark Knight Universe, natch) is Frank Miller’s and Frank Miller’s alone, man. Maybe if he would have drawn this page, it would have been okay. But he didn’t. Page 24: Ha ha! So, what, prospective Leaguers all have glamour shots of them in action taken and sent to Batman? Or did he compile these portraits of them all himself, going so far as to go into space to take a picture of Hal Jordan flying around? Or the ocean floor to take a picture of Aquaman? Or did he just use Brother I to take these photos? Because, if so, he probably shouldn’t call attention to his super secret spy satellite, given the fact that just resolved that argument. So, let’s look at the candidates: Supergirl, Captain Marvel, Green Arrow, Vixen, Hawkman, Hal Jordan, Red Tornado, Black Canary, Power Girl, Zatanna, The Huntress, The Flash and Cyborg. Hmm, a lot of red herrings here—we know Aquaman, Flash and Power Girl aren’t going to make it, since A-man’s missing, Flash is broken and P.G. is in JSA. Cyborg’s sitting comfortably in Teen Titans, though he should graduate to the League by now. Vixen, Arrow, Red Tornado, Black Canary and Hawkman all seem like locks, however. But let’s look a little closer at these photos, for a second, shall we? Check out the Black Canary one: Note the fact that the photo captures the soundwaves coming out of her mouth. Think about that for a second—the photo visually captures sound? What the hell kind of film is Batman using? Must be pretty high speed stuff, because it also gives a crystal clear image of the Flash running at super-speed. The “speed-lines” around him are captured, but the Flash himself is not in the least bit blurry.