Stream-of-conscious review: Civil War #2

Page 1: Who’s that goofball chained to the Vulture Page 2: Oh, that must be The Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper and the Vulture. One’s named after an anthropomorphic interpretation of death, the other about a bird that eats dead things and is often used in film as a symbol of impending death. Cute team-up, Millar. Page 3: No matter how many times I see the word “Doombot” in print, it’s always funny to me. Page 4: Okay, so let’s look closely at panel three for a moment. Notice how about 45% of the panel is dominated by She-Hulk’s ass in the foreground, with Tigra (in the background) asking a question of Iron Man (in the middle ground). Why the focus on She-Hulk’s ass in this panel? Did Steve McNiven just think, “Fuck it, I want to draw an ass in this panel, not Iron Man’s stupid metal shoulders,” or does he have some weird fixation on She-Hulk and, having filled the first panel of the page with her breasts, feel compelled to get her ass in there too? Or did Millar’s script actually say “Panel 3: Tight close up on She-Hulk’s ass in the foreground, right, her spandex costume riding up, while in the background…” I hope they publish the scripts for Civil War at some point, so we’ll know which of these two creators has a thing for green asses. Page 5: Huh. Reed said “meta-human.” I thought that was a DCU-only term. Page 6: “Gobbledygook.” That’s a funny word. Not “Doombot” funny, but funny. “42?” Shouldn’t Millar have picked a number that wouldn’t make at least 90% of his readership think of The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy ? Page 7: Oh my God, why does my stomach feel like this? Why is the taste of bile rising up to the back of my throat all of a sudden? Oh, it’s Spider-Man’s new maroon and gold costume, with the spats on it. Deep breath and turn the page, and this feeling will surely pass…Hey, J. Jonah Jameson said “the smart ones” would sign up. Isn’t Peter Parker a smart hero? Is this foreshadowing? Page 9: Woah, two helicopters swoop in to foil a guy foiling a robbery? Pretty dramatic response, and good lord, that’s gotta be a fortune in tranq darts they’re emptying into poor Patriot there. Page 10: Sweet jumping scene…totally, straight-up Hollywood. Page 11: Woah! And a gas bomb, that blows all the glass off a floor of an office building? The U.S. government is being crazy heavy-handed enforcing this law…it’s not like the U.S. government to be crazy and/or heavy-handed, particularly in the wake of a national tragedy, is it? Oh yeah, that’s right—I just remembered the last four and a half years. Nevermind. Page 12: Who the hell is that talking to Daredevil? Luke Cage, maybe? Damn man, get a costume so we’ll knows ya! Pages 13-14: Again with the cinematic, Hollywood blockbuster vibe…how many times have we seen police cars jump like that? But what’s up with Captain America’s excessive force there? He just punched a dude through a speeding truck door and onto the street in front of speeding police cars. I think Wiccan is the dumbest name in the entire Marvel Universe. Wait, let me think for a second…no, Wiccan’s the dumbest. Page 17-18: We get a good look at Captain America’s team. Let’s see, looks like Daredevil, The Guy That Might Be Luke Cage, Cloak and Dagger, Goliath, Hercules and Cable. Dagger must smell awful, as she’s a full 500 yards away from everyone else in the base. Page 19: Yay! It’s Spider-Man’s classic duds! Oh, how I’ve missed them! Pages 20-22: Oh no Spider-Man din’t! Oh my God! What…what’s that smell? Is that the Internet burning? I think the Internet is on fire! It’s burning down! And that cry of agony…are Spider-Man fans screaming in anguish and weeping? My God, they outted Spider-Man! Sweet Jameson reaction…totally worth the change to the character this will do. In fact, I’d like to see a special one-shot entitled Spider-Man Unmasked: Oh No He Din’t! featuring nothing but panel after panel of Spider-Man villains and supporting cast members reacting to the news. Well, looks like Millar just wrote the greatest cliffhanger in the history of comic books…and it’s only issue #2.