Friday, April 04, 2008

Their powers are all pretty self-explanatory.

I’m not a big fan of the Legion of Super-Heroes. Not because I don’t like the concept or the comics featuring them that I’ve read, but simply because I haven’t read all that many comics featuring them.

But from what I gather, there are relatively few writers who can and should write this somewhat challenging franchise: Keith Giffen,’s Paul Levitz, that Jim Shooter kid, James Kochalka, Christopher Bird and I bet Adam Warren could write a mean Legion.

But you know who should never, ever write the Legion under any circumstances?


And here are 141 reasons why:

Alligator Lad
Cloaca Lad
Nicotine Lad
Aqualad Lad
Undergrad Lad
Non-Trad Lad
Plaid Lad
Glad Lad
Mad Lad
Sad Lad
Fad Lad
Rad Lad
Luggage Lad
Nad Lad
Lass Lad
Ladle Lad
Lady Lad
Vlad Lad
Crab Lad
Laddie Lad
Citrus Lad
Delicious Pastry Lad
Salamander Lad
Elf Lad
Very Handsome Lad
Old-Timey Lad
Lummox Lad
Lincoln Lad
Triad Lad
Bombardier Beetle Boy
Bettie Page Boy
Hamlet Boy
Drummer Boy
Antebellum Boy
Batman Boy
Man Boy
Lady Boy
Chef Boy
Toy Boy
Troy Boy
Goya Boy
Oscar De La Hoya Boy
Girl Boy
Boy Girl Boy
Hobo Boy
Soy Boy
Morse Code Boy
Bigfoot Boy
Ombudsman Boy
Oy Boy
Chomsky Boy
Play Boy
Butter Boy
Brilliant But Cancelled Boy
Bad Role Model Boy
Joy Boy
Antler Boy
Throws Like A Girl Boy
Cholera Epidemic Boy
Canary Boy
Nancy Boy
Totally Boss Boy
Braniacisatotalhomo Boy
Owlbear Boy
Rock Hard Abs Boy
Elderly Boy
Baby Boy
Void Boy
Viking Boy
Biplane Boy
Butane Boy
Pain-in-the-Ass Lass
Tiara Lass
Mine Tragedy Lass
Lemur Lass
Licorice Lass
Rassafrassin’ Lass
Sassafras Lass
Whiplash Lass
Glass Lass
Grass Lass
Nasty Lass
The Complete Works of Paul Verhoeven Lass
Grizzly Bear Lass
No-Class Lass
Librarian Lass
Outcast Lass
Outkast Lass
Class Action Lawsuit Lass
Crone Girl
Fast Girl
Burly Girl
Japanese Girl
Triceratops Girl
Ermine Girl
Spaghetti Girl
Track and Field Girl
Poltergeist Girl
Bourbon Girl
Damn Girl
School Girl
Call Girl
Scantily Clad Girl
Scrimshaw Girl
Goose Girl
Next Door Girl
Boy Girl
Casper Van Dien Girl
Pearl Girl
Earl Girl
Whirlwind Girl
Coelancanth Girl
Hurl Girl
Girder Girl
Genghis Khan Girl
Superman Girl
Pendulum Girl
World Girl
Calendar Girl
Colander Girl
Drag Strip Girl
The Hunchback of Notre Dame Girl
Lame Girl
Tomboy Girl
Women’s Studies Girl
Centaur Girl
Cupcake Kid
Carpenter Kid
Chupacabra Kid
Squid Kid
Canterbury Tales Kid
Super Kid
Capoeira Kid
Casablanca Kid
Gender-Confusion Kid
Cancelled Comics Cavalcade Kid
Ethnic Stereotype Kid
Chris Claremont Kid
Caveman Kid
Dirigible Kid

(Advance apologies if any of these are actually real Legionnaires, or if I inadvertently stole any one else’s fake Legionnaires; I didn’t feel like googling them all. Also, apologies for this post in general, but I just had to get that out of my system)


Wendy said...

Soy Boy, sweetie, you need to get out more. Love, Pain in the Ass Lass

Rob said...

I would gladly pay for a Chris Claremont Kid ongoing.

I'm already paying $29.95 a month for Boy Girl Boy.

Greg said...

No, no. Agreed: those are all good reasons!

Shaun said...

That was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Did you seriously come up with all of those yourself? I particularly like Japanese Girl. I can't imagine what her powers are, though.

SallyP said...

Thank Goodness I'm not the only person in the world who sits around and idlely thinks of silly names for Legionaires! My personal favorite of yours was "Pain-in-the-Ass Lass". Trust me, I'm giggling hysterically.

My own personal creation, is Flaccid Lad.

Kevin said...

I always used Overly Descriptive Name Lad and These Are My Powers Lass myself...

I used to pretty much hate the Legion for exactly those reasons... but between the WB toon, cheap Levitz back issues and the current Shooter run, I've become a fan over the past year.

Andy said...

Who the hell wants Cloaca Lad around? Can you imagine!

Evie said...

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey a Kid

Anonymous said...

Canterbury Tales Kid? I read a book about him.

arch 14

Michael said...

I think I own an issue of Brave & the Bold where Haney teamed up Batman with Lincoln Lad, Void Boy, Rassafrassin’ Lass, Bourbon Girl and the Caveman Kid. Or maybe that was an issue of the Joker's ongoing title.

Actually, I'd totally buy a book featuring Lincoln Lad, Void Boy, Rassafrassin’ Lass, Bourbon Girl and the Caveman Kid and I don't like the Legion.

Matthew J. Brady said...

I like that you have both Boy Girl and Girl Boy. And if you ask me, Triceratops Girl, Alligator Lad, and Grizzly Bear Girl could all be cool.