Their powers are all pretty self-explanatory.

I’m not a big fan of the Legion of Super-Heroes. Not because I don’t like the concept or the comics featuring them that I’ve read, but simply because I haven’t read all that many comics featuring them.

But from what I gather, there are relatively few writers who can and should write this somewhat challenging franchise: Keith Giffen, Blog@Newsarama.com’s Paul Levitz, that Jim Shooter kid, James Kochalka, Christopher Bird and I bet Adam Warren could write a mean Legion.

But you know who should never, ever write the Legion under any circumstances?

Me.

And here are 141 reasons why:

Alligator Lad
Cloaca Lad
Nicotine Lad
Aqualad Lad
Undergrad Lad
Non-Trad Lad
Plaid Lad
Glad Lad
Mad Lad
Sad Lad
Fad Lad
Rad Lad
Luggage Lad
Nad Lad
Lass Lad
Ladle Lad
Lady Lad
Vlad Lad
Crab Lad
Laddie Lad
Citrus Lad
Delicious Pastry Lad
Salamander Lad
Elf Lad
Very Handsome Lad
Old-Timey Lad
Lummox Lad
Lincoln Lad
Triad Lad
Bombardier Beetle Boy
Bettie Page Boy
Hamlet Boy
Drummer Boy
Antebellum Boy
Batman Boy
Man Boy
Lady Boy
Chef Boy
Toy Boy
Troy Boy
Goya Boy
Oscar De La Hoya Boy
Girl Boy
Boy Girl Boy
Hobo Boy
Soy Boy
Morse Code Boy
Bigfoot Boy
Ombudsman Boy
Oy Boy
Chomsky Boy
Play Boy
Butter Boy
Brilliant But Cancelled Boy
Bad Role Model Boy
Joy Boy
Antler Boy
Throws Like A Girl Boy
Cholera Epidemic Boy
Canary Boy
Nancy Boy
Totally Boss Boy
Braniacisatotalhomo Boy
Owlbear Boy
Rock Hard Abs Boy
Elderly Boy
Baby Boy
Void Boy
Viking Boy
Biplane Boy
Butane Boy
Pain-in-the-Ass Lass
Tiara Lass
Mine Tragedy Lass
Lemur Lass
Licorice Lass
Rassafrassin’ Lass
Sassafras Lass
Whiplash Lass
Glass Lass
Grass Lass
Nasty Lass
The Complete Works of Paul Verhoeven Lass
Grizzly Bear Lass
No-Class Lass
Librarian Lass
Outcast Lass
Outkast Lass
Class Action Lawsuit Lass
Crone Girl
Fast Girl
Burly Girl
Japanese Girl
Triceratops Girl
Ermine Girl
Spaghetti Girl
Track and Field Girl
Poltergeist Girl
Bourbon Girl
Damn Girl
School Girl
Call Girl
Scantily Clad Girl
Scrimshaw Girl
Goose Girl
Next Door Girl
Boy Girl
Casper Van Dien Girl
Pearl Girl
Earl Girl
Whirlwind Girl
Coelancanth Girl
Hurl Girl
Girder Girl
Genghis Khan Girl
Superman Girl
Pendulum Girl
World Girl
Calendar Girl
Colander Girl
Drag Strip Girl
The Hunchback of Notre Dame Girl
Lame Girl
Tomboy Girl
Women’s Studies Girl
Centaur Girl
Cupcake Kid
Carpenter Kid
Chupacabra Kid
Squid Kid
Canterbury Tales Kid
Super Kid
Capoeira Kid
Casablanca Kid
Gender-Confusion Kid
Cancelled Comics Cavalcade Kid
Ethnic Stereotype Kid
Chris Claremont Kid
Caveman Kid
Dirigible Kid



(Advance apologies if any of these are actually real Legionnaires, or if I inadvertently stole any one else’s fake Legionnaires; I didn’t feel like googling them all. Also, apologies for this post in general, but I just had to get that out of my system)