Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Six Things I Learned From Justice League of America Hereby Elects...

1). Oliver Queen wears his whole Green Arrow costume under his clothes at all times—quiver, bow and all.

And he can't shoot an arrow, even to save a man's life, until his mask is affixed and he's wearing his hat.

2.) Between the time when she wore her magician's outfit and the time when she wore that ugly blue and white superheroine outfit with the thigh-high boots and lobster shell hairpiece, Zatanna briefly wore a passable costume

(There's no topping the top hat, tails and fishnets look, though)

3.) Visiting Atlantis must suck.

To get there, Superman just suddenly divebombs into the water with you, throwing his cape over your face, and then, next thing you know, Aquaman's slamming an upside down fishbowl over your head saying, "Welcome!"

4.) Green Arrow wants a black person on the team, Flash doesn't want a token black on the team.

Unfortunately, Ollie never gets around to explaining why the fact that B.L. is black is so exciting to him, nor does Barry get around to explaining why he's so opposed to Black Lightning joining on Ollie's say-so, since Black Lightning turns the League's eventual offer of membership down, saying he's more of the solo type.

(I'm sure it had nothing to do with the Justice Leaguers dressing up as supervillains and then beating the hell out of him to test his mettle.)

5.) Superman takes monitor duty very, very seriously.

Even if the entire world is in danger of being overrun by giant rats and he alone has the power to stop them, if he's on monitory duty, he refuses to leave his post. He'll just sit there and watch the stampeding giant rats on the monitor until it's time for Aquaman to spell him.

6.) Superman totally wants Black Canary.

Don't believe me? Check it out. He's willing to waive the normal League admission rules for Dinah...

But he freaks out at Hawkman over the "duplicating powers" clause of the League charter when Hawkman wants to let his wife join...

(And how does this whole "duplicating powers" thing work anyway? Hawkman's power is he can fly—but so can Superman and Green Lantern. And what about Green Arrow and Batman, don't they duplicate one another's lack of powers?)

As soon as her husband dies, he invites her back to his Earth, checking her out on the flight there...

(He's not even tryng to be subtle about checking her out either, is he?)

He built her a motorcycle for a present.

Sure, it's a really crappy looking motorcycle but, still—that shit's handmade.

And, perhaps most tellingly, he thinks about her almost as much as he thinks about Batman.


rachelle said...

Hilarious! I love that Green Arrow's mask came out of nowhere in the first panels.

And that Atlantis stuff is messed up.

I had no idea Superman perved on Canary so hard. He's going to get a kryptonite arrow in the eye if he doesn't back off!

Jacob said...

Hilarious all around.

I've always, always loved that moment from JLA #146 (the 'to be continued' from 145, which was my very favorite comic as a kid, which is why I happen to remember the #) when the Phantom Stranger asserts his rarely-mentioned JLA membership in order to say "can we focus on the business at hand, people?"

the2scoops said...

Seventh Thing I Learned...

Justa Lotta Assholes. And that's why one of the only heroes they could recruit in the end was Vibe. Everyone else just didn't want to be part of a gang of dicks.

No wonder Black Lightening chose not to join those jive turkeys. I do wish more of the satellite era stories were collected in trade.

Caleb said...

Yes, it seems like 50% of the conflict in that trade collection is just the League squabbling about membership rules. And they do need to get more of it in trade, especially since most League stories seem to revolve around stuff from that era now.

duffy said...

love this list!