Saturday, April 28, 2012

Caleb's 100% Effective Baldness Cure

Are you bald? Do you find the ladies ignoring you in favor of romantic rivals with thick, lustrous heads of hair? Do you suffer from a sunburned scalp in the summer time? Do you feel ashamed when the glare off your head causes passersby to squint? Are you tired of people rubbing your head for luck, or greeting you with a "What's up, Brian Michael Bendis?"

If you answered yes to any of the above, then chances are you've also spent time wishing there was a cure for your condition. Well, wish no more, because there is! And it's CALEB'S 100% EFFECTIVE BALDNESS CURE!

YOU WILL NEED:

—A beard

—Scissors, clippers or any other hair-cutting implement of your choice

—Glue


STEP ONE: USING THE HAIR-CUTTING IMPLEMENTS, CUT THE BEARD OFF

(Be sure to collect it as it is removed from your face, and then set it aside. You will need this later)


STEP TWO: APPLY THE GLUE EVENLY TO YOUR BALD HEAD


STEP THREE: SPRINKLE YOUR BEARD ONTO YOUR BALD HEAD. WAIT FOR THE GLUE TO DRY, REMAINING AS MOTIONLESS AS POSSIBLE

Congratulations! Your baldness is now cured!
You now have a fabulous head of 100% real, natural hair grown from your own head!

And it looks great from all angles!
And no one will be able to tell it's not your original hair!

Now go get 'em, tiger!


(Please note: Your new head of hair will last only until your next shower, or until you are caught in a sudden rainstorm. So be sure to wear a shower cap when washing, and bring and umbrella when leaving your house. Once your new head of hair is washed away, simply begin the process all over again)

6 comments:

matthew. said...

You look like a serial killer, but in a good way!

Kevin Huxford said...

That's some impressive facial hair. Not quite sold on the baldness cure yet, though. Would be funny to try walking into work like that, though...

Akilles said...

I hope that the glue wont hurt the scalp of anyone who does that...

SallyP said...

Caleb...dear...you really should get out more.

Caleb said...

Matthew,

Thanks! I get that a lot!


Kevin,

Work was cool with me growing a beard and having a crazy mustache for a few weeks, but I thought trying out my re-purposed beard toupee might be pushing it.


Akilles,

When I was a little kid, I used to love to get Elmer's glue on my fingers or hands at school, let it dry, and then peel it off. This was kinda like that. Probably wouldn't work with any of your super glue-types of glue though...


Sally,

Thanks! I get that a lot!

Miss Mandi said...

Simply fantastic.